?

Log in

   
01:12am 01/12/2008
  Viciously unhappy the last few days. It's any combination of work, stress, family, finances, and hormone imbalances, but either way, it's just been miserable. I wish I'd stop just stewing and channel the energy creatively, like I used to, but I suppose that's what being depressed can cause to cease. Temporarily?

Anyway, Jeff and I are rainbow twins.
Your rainbow is strongly shaded violet.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
 
     

(2 thoughts | step into the light)

 
homecoming for empty hearts   
03:48am 23/10/2008
  I'm REALLY missing college right now. I should be happy, as homecoming is this weekend, but I honestly feel more depressed than anything. I looked back at old pictures, and saw how happy I was...living my life freely, living in community with my friends, not worrying about financial stuff, and learning about what I loved. I'm going to start seeing a therapist about why I'm so conflicted about what direction in life to choose, and how to stop this ever-present existential angst.

I don't know if that's even going to help :(

Sweet college, our love was so rich, why did you pass me by and never look back? Why didn't I work harder? Why didnt I love life harder?
 
     

(step into the light)

 
dreams   
03:30am 17/10/2008
  Two night ago, I had a dream about a strange and beautiful landscape that doesn't exist in the natural world. I was coming off of a fictional highway exit near Villanova (it was Rosemont...weird), into a thick green forest. This went on for a bit, and turned into these massively tall cliffs the hung over like a wave over the road i was on (which bared to the right), the sun shining directly on me. The light was of a summer early afternoon kind, and the road had a strange orangeish feel, or maybe it was just the environment itself, making me feel like i was in a strange combination of new mexico, tibet, and new zealand. The sheer enormity of the rock wall and the strange shape stay fixed in me. I still feel awed by it, and I'm not sure why.

At another point, I dreamed a friend allowed me to have a party at his house, which looked like one I had been in on Long Island. People were running around inside, there was flooding, and all sorts of other strange things. Here's what stuck out most:
For whatever reason, there was a slightly larger-than-average goldfish bowl PACKED with red, green, and yellow koi fish(or something similiar). I kept putting napkins in the tank while a girl who transferd out of my third grad class watched. I ended up soaking up all the water out of the bowl. At some point, the fact was established that they'd be okay, as long as I didn't wait longer than 40 minutes to put water back in. There came a point where I looked at their motionless faces, staring open-mouthed up at me, that I realized that it was perhaps time to put water in the bowl. I did, frantically, and they all just kind of floated around. I explained to my friend, and we told his parents, who the fish belonged to, and they were okay with it (or acted that way), but I still felt ill. Anyone wanna take a crack at analyzing that one?
I love dreams. I tend to have very trippy things happen in them, these being slightly tame compared to other things my subconcious has created. I tell Keith about all of them, and he suggests I record them, so perhaps I'll make a habit of documenting the more interesting ones.

Anyway, the next day I ended up seeing an imax film about the alps. I never though much about them; now, seeing Switzerland seems a bit more appealing. Oh, the power of the media.
 
     

(step into the light)

 
blackberries   
02:23am 09/10/2008
  Andrew showed up at my job today, and we ended up getting dinner and running around giggling like school girls in the mall. He even bought me fro-yo with blackberries! (small things go a long way with me in terms of happiness sometimes) It's nice to see him doing better. I've missed having a gay activities partner ;)


Last night i jammed with Jeff, and had a little webcam concert for Lara (who was, at the time, drinking wine out of a bottle). It takes us a few songs to get into a groove, but I'm feeling good right now- I'm going to practice guitar a little more to catch up with his wicked skills, buy a mic & maybe an amp that can compete with my monster ones for piano and guitar, and obtain some music software. Oddly enough, I had to be goaded into doing it, as I was feeling a little down and wanted to sloth myself into a ball in bed with my adorable little puppy. Shall I share a picture of this? I think I shall:
love.
 
     

(1 thought | step into the light)

 
one day with some wonderful women, a social-academic-political journey, and some recent events   
03:08am 07/10/2008
  I don't usually write posts about my day, but I had a fairly interesting one last Wednesday.
I was invited to a lecture by my old writing professor who also advised my school's peace club. It was by a somewhat-famous writing professor from MIT about social justice writing- she also is a yoga teacher, studied with Tich Nhat Hahn, and has interacted with Noam Chomsky. This naturally piqued my interest. Also, quite naturally, I managed to sleep through this lecture, which began at 1:30 pm. The only thing that's different now is that I can blame it on my thyroid.
But I was still invited to dinner with the them, and I came to Nova to find my professor, during which time I lost and found my car keys. We ended up meeting in the library to watch a lecture on hispanic voting practices. My professor found me and hugged me, and I shook hands with Louise Dunlap ( www.undoingsilence.org ). She was tall, and had on a peace sign necklace and peace earrings. While the two watched, I found I couldnt hear/ see the presentation and quite frankly wasn't thrilled with the delivery, so i sat on the floor of the main room of the library with some ungraduated friends. One, the body building blonde-froed president of the philosophy club+honor society, another, shorter dark haired world-traveling fulbright candidate who would like to teach in nepal next year, another, even taller, lover of the humanities with "victorian sensibilites", who is the most cryptic, continental, and oddly beautiful writer/speaker/idea generator I've met (think T.S. Elliot meets Hegel), and my very tall, handsome for an introspective, highly efficient, germanic, music making boyfriend. (a side note, I've proceeded to spill wine on my power strip! how glorious! my arms become as free as the wind when the drink is incorporated into them!)
finally, the ladies came out and we proceeded down to philadelphia to have dinner in university city. naturally, there were good conversations to be had in the car, about Louise's book, my boyfriend's academic saga, and navagation systems. When we got down, we found great parking and I noticed a bubble tea place, and believe you me, I had always wanted to try it. As life works out, it was fairly disgusting, the tapioca balls being far to huge and sooty for me to enjoy the experience. I ventured out looking for an ATM to get money to buy Louise's book, and asked someone on the street if they knew where one was. The girl told me, and I then heard a slow, resounding, "...Candy?". i ran into my good friend Scott's (who's in London currently) sister, and we exchanged numbers.
I get back to the restaurant, and we start dinner with Louise, my professor, and her husband. The waitress was a little snarky, due to the bubble tea, but otherwise the meal was very pleasant. I started talking to Lousie more, and found out what influenced her most deeply; she was there where it all began in the 60's. As a medieval literature student at UC Berkely, she, being raised by conservative parents, hadn't thought about radicals and other things, until she saw students protesting for their rights to speak of politics on a college campus. She, in this time, saw students being arrested for doing so, and others sitting around the cop car so it couldn't move, alternately giving speeches from the roof. She, at this time, heard Mario Savio delivering his famous speech from the steps of a building about stopping the machine. She, at this moment, changed forever. After a very pleasant dinner, we went to a small shop next door which sold all sorts of imported gifts, social justicey books, and naturally, liberal bumperstickers. I decided to get one that said "Make art, not war", and Louise, since I bought her book full price, rejecting the discount she offered me because upon examination, it was worth every penny (it was a somewhat sentimental moment,as I saw her face light with happiness that made me feel warmly happy as well) wasn't about to let me get it myself, so she bought it for me. I met an interesting girl who worked there, who also was interviewing for a Fulbright, and we talked about gender issues for a good thirty minutes. Finally, we left and headed home, and had a relaxing ride on the highway, including an 18-wheeler tailgating us and flashing his brights into the car, presumably due to the Obama sticker on the back of it.
I said a heart-felt goodbye to both of them when we arrived back, and headed over to Keith's. Keith, often a very harsh critic, examined the book and determined that he wanted to photocopy some of it. It was a day that made me very happy. Louise wrote a message in the book to me-
"For Candace- With gratitude for your energy+ your art"
I appreciate this message very much.



some other things; i started belly dance class, which i naturally enjoyed, found out i'm somewhat anemic, interviewed for another yoga positions, skipped and second round marketing interview, want to a rockin' dance party, missed another one, went to a grad open house and made a good name for myself, finished Eat, Pray, Love (which could be a whole review post, which I may just write), and started working retail a little more. Which tends to spiral me into depression. But, I'm being persistent, and soon I hope to take a job that i love, or one that i dont mind that gives me money to do what i love.
 
     

(2 thoughts | step into the light)

 
I'm working again?   
05:12pm 12/09/2008
  Well, I called my old retail job and got it back. I can't help but feel a little defeated, but hell, it's something.  
     

(5 thoughts | step into the light)

 
a few disjointed thoughts   
02:20pm 02/09/2008
  I really wish I went to Burning Man this year.

In other news, I officially have a thyroid condition. YAY. In other other news, I'm still jobless/am uncertain which direction to pursue. As a result of the condition, in addition to normal things, I'm feeling kind of down.

But, here are some cool things:

I might meet my cousin halfway accross the country in MN and stay at some mansion (the story behind this is slightly sketchy and I'm not sure I'm actually comfortable with staying there), and definitly will see her in NYC around the holidays!
I'm going to take French & Bellydancing classes.
Guacamole is delicious AND relatively healthy.



I'm going to go walk in the park for a bit.
 
     

(step into the light)

 
Nabokov apparently doesn't like allegories.   
04:54pm 23/08/2008
  There is a river of concrete that, though appearing to flow, eventually hardens and is not subject to further modification. I'd prefer not to swim in it.

School is starting again. I can't get professors to respond to me for recomendation letters, so that's a bit laaaaame. But on the brightside, I had a pretty rockin' jam session and finished Lolita in a few days. I met a woman in my hair salon who enjoyed the book years ago. As a result of the conversation, she recomended that I read Kafka and I recomended she read Kundera.

Returning to Lolita,
It's strange to read it 1.3 years since the faithful recomendation given to me by my breif aquaintence. People praise the book for its literary allusions (the formula for success, then, is to continually reference things that are successful? i will admit that this works and I enjoyed many of them..)but the interplay and power dynamics between the two, upon a second read, may seen more interesting. I couldn't Hate rageful Humbert, for whatever reason.

I'm starting The Great Gatsby. I should be doing more MAT stuff.

I spent a small part of yesterday in the sun playing my guitar, and that was pleasantly perfect. a small burst of transcendental hope that began to warm my soul, which has been feeling post-modern as of late.
 
     

(step into the light)

 
   
11:26pm 24/06/2008
  I keep finding ironic parallels between things that occured on certain dates from the past and present. Yay for journals. Maybe I should start recording every event of my life in gorey detail again; it's kind of fun to read ;).  
     

(step into the light)

 
nostalgia and other things   
01:50pm 26/05/2008
  i've been looking back on entries from the past four to five years; i keep being taken back to places and feelings that feel as vivid as they did then. four years ago, i graduated high school. now, as a somewhat-unemployed college graduate (I will not consider myself 'employed' in a formal sense until I'm making enough money to move out of my house.), looking back on a time when there was a little magic in everything and an overall general sense of hope and possibiltiy, i'm begining to wonder why i shouldn't feel that way now? i have more power than i ever have had to create and live as i wish, to experience what i want, and to allow myself to be intoxicated by life. The things that meant so much to me have changed, but in many ways, are still the same. I think I'll start with the swimclub.  
     

(1 thought | step into the light)

 
mango makes things taste better   
12:50am 01/04/2008
  There is only pressure because I allow there to be pressure. It's all doable.
It only seems daunting because I lose faith in myself.
If I work (hard) and don't psych myself out, stuff will come together.
It's only a matter of deciding which stuff. Come to me, muses...
 
     

(step into the light)

 
To my truest friend-   
12:51am 28/03/2008
  Why did I ever let you aside? Nothing has, nor can I anticipate anything ever having the ability to move and free me like you do. I've focused on other things, and ignored what I've felt for you. Though I've neglected you, I might be able to bring things back to you and together we can make something more beautiful and profound than I ever could before. I need to see some things first, but if you come with me, each moment new inspiration can fuel us. I don't know if we're meant for greatness, but I'd be wasting my time if i didn't try. I thought you were gone, but it only takes a sound to know you never really left.  
     

(step into the light)

 
prolegomena to any future insanity   
05:17am 13/03/2008
  I've been up all night writing a paper on Kant and I've been having difficulty swallowing.  
     

(step into the light)

 
everytime, i look in the mirror...   
01:00am 06/03/2008
  After using ProTools all last semester, I finally open my Sony Acid and find that I can't figure out how to loop on it again. Moderatley depressing, but no more than anything else in my life right now.
Still haven't gotten work done over break. Tomorrow has to be a philosophy day. Maybe I'll own Kant. Maybe I'll read the Derrida. Maybe I'll stare at CNN's homepage at hit refresh every five minutes.

I'm at a strange place internally. I want independence, and i want to be able to have soul searching time. It seems I can't have both, if I'd like to move out after graduation. Something inside me just wants to go an explore and clear my mind and find my focus. Europe, sunshine, music- I can live this way, kind of, if I let my family support me- but not in the way i'd like to.

I look at other people around me, people I grew up with, people who I've met recently- they all seem to be doing what they love, and working HARD- something I've never done. I feel so ashamed and frustrated at my lack of progress, that I easily frustrate, lose my will, and they cycle continues. The comparisons make it worse. Too much pressure and responsibility makes it worse. When I have less classes, I do better. When I have less to compare to, I create more beautiful things. Maybe I do need to run away.

Maybe I'd come back more focused. Maybe I'd come back more centered. Maybe I'd be even more stuck in my ways by avoiding the problem. Maybe I'd fail with no financial resources.

But then there's the other side. 9-5. Work I don't give a fuck about. Money, but exhaustion, physically and creatively from the pointless, soulless, corporate bullshit. As much as I'd like financial stability, it's hard for me to sweat allegiance to some artless capital wasteland while i help a company meet a quarterly that's producing more mind-fucking filth or useless products we don't need. Why do I care about the greater good? Do i really care? Does doing anything for it even matter? Is the more to life than the pursuit of happiness? If there isint, why do i feel like i need to care about these other things? If there is, why do i? Why is it so hard to find a job that combines what i want and what i need? did i already close many of those doors with my academic apathy?

maybe i need to go back to my roots. its the only thing that really soothes me. I used to always preach to people about something they'd be happy dying in the middle of. One question I never asked myself: What about India? Those who never can be happy? And why should I privlidge me over them? Biology and darwinism and actualization needs, clearly. but its something to consider. birth literally damns people to misory. and here i am crying about my chance to indulge in capitalist luxury. BUT WHY DO I CARE? it's not because i'm a good person. i should meditate on this more. if i ever learn to concentrate. hah.


anyway

clinton or obama?
 
     

(2 thoughts | step into the light)

 
   
09:25pm 30/12/2007
  I blinked, and then it was gone. People always said it would be that way; I didn't believe them until I opened my eyes again.  
     

(1 thought | step into the light)

 
   
04:16am 29/12/2007
  Continued sleeplessness. I tend to fall asleep in the evening, wake up at 12 or so, and stay up the rest of the night with awful things in my mind. I'm somewhat disenchanted with my life, skills, limitations, etc. Sometimes there's magic but... less. I used to think travel would reinvirgorate me, but i'm not sure i believe it anymore. Maybe all of this is coming from staying at my house- i feel generally limited, helpless, and un-productive here. Then that means it's all in my head, and overcome-able. But isn't it all?  
     

(step into the light)

 
I'm 21...   
04:21am 25/12/2007
  ...and I feel a sense of urgency to accomplish something, but I'm not sure what it is. The whole "career-issue" thing is becoming one of those ever-expanding day-glo elephants, which i could ignore- if I'm interested in still having my life dictated by my parents in a years time. I'd love to take time off, do the traveling I've never done, and have some serious alone time to create- but I just don't know if it's feasible. I'm feeling very boxed in. Do I enter the coroporate world and make $50 an hour while my soul becomes bankrupt? Do I try to pursue art and struggle financially and otherwise (Vriginia Woolfe feels one can't truly create without their own space and financial independence, and I feel there is something to this.) while trying to reach a higher level in my discipline? Do I go to grad school to rip apart the media instead, but have even more financial hardship? Should I go into Philosophy (as I initially wished to do 4 years ago), but then have less back-ups? A professor I've really enjoyed once made a point to assert that our culture manufactures us into soulless workslaves far too soon, and that self-discovery and experience are some of the most important factors in becoming human beings with the capacity to really DO something. Lately, I've found, I've accomplsihed more by following methods and systems (which I NEVER wouldve condoned or done 4 yrs ago). I've also lost a lot of feeling; I feel like everything I do is on auto-pilot, that I just can't really sink in and become one with what i do- a total lack of investment. I'd like this to change this back; to feel, to really consider what i take in and what i say/write/bring forth (though i admit, i'm feeling this quite a bit)- i discussed this once with another professor i enjoy, who told me she believed that since i started with intuitive learning, once i moved to systematic, the former faded-BUT, with time, it comes back and the two synchronize. One can only hope, but I can do more than only hope to make something occur. Simone de Beauvoir can be my patron saint.  
     

(1 thought | step into the light)

 
thanks, TD   
04:01pm 29/06/2007
  As I come closer to being integrated into the system, I find myself more and more panicked. Is this what we wasted our youth for? Even in serving the things I love (music, alternative media), I find myself sickened with being at a desk, checking doccuments for errors. I'm not sure what I want to do, but a part of me that's growing louder and louder keeps telling me that this is not what's going to lead me to it. (A side note: as I look out of the window, animals keep running on the sidewalk in a linear fashion, instead of wildly, like they normally do, accross the lawn. Are they losing their minds too?) Consumer culture is both the downfall and the saving grace of the world. At a younger age, a wise man once pointed out to me that the United States had never gone to war with a country that had a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise. Mass production and corporate progress hold the world together, while eroding it from the inside. We're all factory workers, making inferior shit so we can obtain inferior shit.
Some people may say, "Oh, I can cheat the system, I can work hard and earn money and live how I want, and then I can be happy!!"
Maybe so. But what is happiness? A bigger house? Being served? Jack Bauer? Happiness and the good life are reduced to things that propagate laziness, apathy. Vacuums that work themselves. Passionless, empty sex dispoable sex. We've been tamed. Or more accuratley, we've been pacified, our lives and emotions and real substantitive actitivties replaced with a flat screen that can act and move and think for us. I do not believe all media content is bad; in fact, much of it I feel is absolutly vital to human flourishing. After all, ideas are essential to progress. But we must examine the intent behind the prodcut, and in most cases with television, it's money. Yeah, film does it, music does it too, and many types of these media are equally powerful at giving people the highs they need to continue cogging along and keeping the machine working that produces these types of things working.

I'm pretty sure Sartre would be pissed off. Nietzsche probably would've had Viacomm's headquarters blown up. Thinkers like these may disapear if there is no cultivation of them.

I'm not knocking pleasure in itself. I've restled with the whole "opiate of the masses" thing. But if you're miserable, you're forced to act, in some way. And the kind of pleasure most of us are subscribing too isn't the kind that leads to your demise in a ball of flames. It's kind of like "fading away", but instead of going anywhere, you just sit there. And stagnate. Simultanously becoming more airy and more dense. When pleasure and escapism turns to admiring the ruling class as a recreational activity (Paris Hilton), it's a sign that our culture is in serious trouble.

This is nothing new. This is nothing original. It's just the trite bullshit of a college liberal who can't suck it up and work hard to make a living. Right? Pay some taxes, and then tell me what you think about reforming education.

I think my main point is not to make an argument about the nature of capitalism, but rather to just more clearly define my feelings on it to myself. I don't know if I'm going to be able to grin and bare it throughout my life. I think everything we do is selfish, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why I care that people are exploited and suffering. Maybe I just want to give myself a reason to think I'm more highly evoloved than the people who destroy their lives.

I need something, but I don't know what. A moment. A reaction. A person. A passion. A hobby?


An answer? Nah. That kills all the fun...
 
     

(2 thoughts | step into the light)

 
supercool;dandies rule, OK?   
02:53am 10/06/2006
 
mood: sleepy
So, it's been a while since I realllly updated this thing...


This past semester, I did a lot of things, and as a result of this, I learned a lot of things. (...wow. general statements are sexy.)

Continuing with this vagueness, I did a lot of stupid things. Repeatedly. I've recognized some of my chief flaws/issues/needs, and I've started/attempted to rectify them.

The most positive change I've been able to make is an academic one.

With commuting, all I could ever think of was missing out, so every moment I had out of class, I spent with my friends. My grades reflected this. This semester, however, despite crazier acts more frequently, I didn't feel such a pressure anymore, so I had more time to really dig in to my texts, enjoy the readings (though old habits die hard, and sometimes I'd find myself learning material an hour before tests started,) and raise the overall quality of my work. My GPA sky-rocketed to nearly what it was in highschool. Upenn might not be out of my league after all :).

Through all of this, I've learned the value of experience. To read and be open to ideas is one thing; to live them is augmenting and expanding that thing into a complete and total experience. I've had such a lack of real-world exposure in my life, and I hope this is just the beginning. Though I've made some mistakes, and have some very sad feelings about things I'm afraid I cannot fix, I still feel I've taken very important things from them. Sometimes I'm tempted to feel terrible regret, shame, guilt- but there's no need to feel those things. To quote Hunter,

"Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"

Sometimes, you just gotta' try.


In other news, I have discovered John Stewart, and my love Stephen Colbert. I find the latter to be a master showman, and I want to meet him. And hug him. And....molest him. Did I say that? Um...yeah.


I've also been sick for a month since school ended. I'm finally getting better. I had a job, but lost it due to this. But, I'll enjoy the free time when I'm not taking these crazy intense distance learning classes. Now, I'm getting tired and starting to let the narrative train slide off the tracks (though, was it ever really on them?) So, in conclusion, here's a picture. I'm the blatantly crazy one:


.
 
     

(10 thoughts | step into the light)

 
   
02:59pm 28/05/2006
  It's funny to see how things change. The first result I ever received for this test was 'idealist'. Very very accurate.

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

</td>

Postmodernist

94%

Existentialist

88%

Idealist

81%

Materialist

75%

Modernist

63%

Cultural Creative

56%

Romanticist

50%

Fundamentalist

13%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com


And, just for fun...




Your Personality Is Like Acid



A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.

One moment you're in your own little happy universe...

And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

 
     

(2 thoughts | step into the light)